WAIT... Am I An Adult?

As I embark on this journey, I've been thinking a lot about what could make me nervous, what will change, and if my life will be any different after the wedding.

This weekend I was lucky enough to attend one of the most beautiful, joyful and fun bridal showers.  Many of my college friends are married, engaged, or are in serious relationships.

While speaking about this exciting time in our lives, we discussed how crazy it was that we met 5+ years ago. It was like yesterday that we were freshman moving into Woodland, moving out of our parent’s homes for the first time, no mom or dad to get you to class, no one to cook you dinner, and no one to do your laundry because we were on our own! That year was one of the best years of my life. I met some amazing people, learned a lot about myself, and laughed uncontrollably. Where did the time go?

5ish years later, we all live on our own, pay bills, student loans, have full time careers, and are wedding planning.

Does this mean we are adults?

 

During this conversation a college friend (who got married earlier this month) said the only thing that had her nervous the day of her wedding was the reality of it. Were we old enough and mature enough to be married?

 

I remember being my sisters age looking up to my cousin(yeah you Linds), thinking how cool it was to be engaged, to get married,  and to buy a house. They must be so responsible and financially stable. I thought of her as an adult.

Does this mean my sister, cousins and their friends look at me that same way?

I may still be on a SMALL part of Tigers pay roll, but besides that, I pay for everything myself. That small part still keeps me a kid right?

I still try and sneak, and by sneak I mean drunkenly break into my sister’s room to sleep in her bed. She yells, kicks me off of her bed and tells me "go sleep with your husband". I wake up in the morning to, hear about my actions. ( this happened... last week)  Adults don't do that ( if I keep doing this I'll never be a fit adult). 

 

Although I have an  job, a dog, and a fiancé. I pay my bills (yeah, you too Sallie Mae),  have a car, and up keep my home. I do not feel like I am an  adult.

After thinking long and hard about this I have come up with a definition, the day that I am officially be an adult.... The day I DO NOT wake up at my parent’s house Christmas morning.

Really, think about it. The morning I do not wake up there will be the morning that I’ll be responsible for Santa. I'll be making my house, a home. I'll be making memories of my own, not being a part of someone else's. I will be responsible enough to be an adult. But until then Donna and Tiger have to keep my room, keep me on pay roll, and of course still treat me as their little girl. Married or not!
- Ash

....Lesson Learned

After struggling for a topic for this weeks WPW,  I reached out to the trustee social media platform, Facebook. Luckily, my family were the only ones to respond (thanks guys).
 

My Aunty Sue, who is the “crazy” aunt in our family(crazy in a good way), had a great idea that had me giggling just thinking about possible topics.

 I am no relationship expert and I will never claim to be. Matt and I love each other, DER... we are getting married. But that love does not come without struggles. Aunty Sue suggested that I blog about “Seven discussions to have with him before you marry”.

This had me thinking… while trying to keep ourselves entertained on our four + hour drive back from Boston(partly because I got us lost on the same drive I have done thousands of times), I remembered I “pinned” a game I saw. The game was  “100 things to ask him before you get married”.  Matt in the passengers seat with our lab laying across his legs like a shih tzu, picked through the 100 questions to only ask me the ones he thought would be funny. After about 5 minutes of him playing this game, it was done.
Even though I was unable to read or be asked all of the questions it got me thinking, who is really going to prepare you for marriage, and what are the things you NEED to know or have figured out before you are married?
 Matt and I have a unique relationship and we have lived together almost all of our relationship. So the living situation is not something we needed to talk about (nor was the cooking or house cleaning). Every relationship is different, but for us, I am the lucky one to have the job of being the house cleaner, laundromat, sandwich maker, and grocery shopper.  

I don't want to admit this, but when I first started dating Matt I told my mom how messy his room was and how he needed his laundry done. I told her I was going to have it all cleaned up and put away as a surprise when came home from work. She said “Ashley I wouldn't do that if I were you” GOD! Why didn't I just listen to her that ONE time. Well needless to say, nice deeds never go unpunished. Matt likes to say “You’ve created a monster”  UGH, he’s right.
Lesson number one; DO NOT do too much in the beginning, like a puppy they become trained to expect dinner at a certain time, want clean (put away) clothes, and groceries in the fridge.

Another heavy topic most couples struggle with are the holidays. We have been lucky enough to fall into a great pattern! At the moment we do not live close to either of our families, but split holidays well. Matts family, from day one, has been so amazing, supportive, and loving.  I look forward  to spending time with them just as I do with my own family.  Lesson number two; Make a plan, and make it even!

As for lesson number three; My poor In-Laws, they are two of the kindest, warm hearted people I have ever met. For them to put up with me after a long night, they are saints.  BE YOURSELF. As you all know I like to enjoy a drink or 5. Matt and I come home in a drunken stupor, play with the the dogs, and more likely than not, I'm demanded to make Matt a sandwich (his favorite food if you haven't caught on yet). I talk and talk and talk about absolutely nothing. They sit giving me their full attention, listening to whatever rambles out of my mouth. To then have me wake up hungover and talk about the same thing I was talking about last night(I have horrible memory). They know who I really am, how I “let loose” and how Matt and I interact. No front, no show, and no act.

Lesson number four is actually serious and something that has gotten Matt and I through a lot. You must be on the same page, want the same things, and want whats best for one another, no matter what. Whether its your lifestyle, religious beliefs, family, goals, work etc. Things will come across your lap at any time and if you don't have that support or willingness to share success with your partner it will be difficult to be happy for one another.

I definitely do not know all of the questions to ask before we marry but I do know what has KINDA worked for us for now.
If you have to question someone's past, don't know their middle name, favorite color, or realize that they will never admit that they put the ice try back empty, you have a lot to learn.

 - Ash

 

Proper Wedding Attire

As the end of wedding season approaches, it got me thinking... What is proper attire for a wedding? Does "black tie" mean anything anymore?

Lets take into consideration I tend to over dress for every occasion and if I could wear a tutu everyday I absolutely would! I have this pet peeve about people wearing black at weddings. Weddings are (and should be) the most joyous occasion in in your life. With the exception of people who have and want kids, you're attending a wedding to celebrate love and new life, not the end of one.

Cultures around the world use color to define different moments, emotions and beliefs. In Russia, red symbolizes beauty, while in South Africa it stands for mourning. Yellow in India is for farmers, and in Greece, sadness. Purple in the west stands for wealth and royalty, and in Brazil, death, and sorrow. Almost all over the world white stands for purity. In the USA black stands for death, unhappiness, anger, evil, and the devil. Anyway you catch my drift. I can honestly say I have not once, EVER, worn black to a wedding.Look, I get it, not many of us(myself included) have money to spend on a new outfit for every event. The "little black dress" is a necessity in every woman's closet, but is it really appropriate for a wedding?

I many not be Rachel Zoe, but I have done some styling in my day. Black is not necessarily the only color that's flattering and "hides" our unwanted soft spots.  Anything dark and solid, will accomplish the same look including navy, plum, grey, charcoal, Burgundy, etc. Many brides put their besties in black bridesmaids dresses for whatever reason. I have no problem with it, it's just not for me.

Black tie weddings are unfortunately a thing of the past.  We as Americans (or at least my family and friends),  do not have the lifestyle for a TRUE black tie wedding. As history has stated, black tie events were and are for the royals, the rich and the famous. Clothing customs for a black tie event are to be prête-à-porter (semi-custom clothing) each dress fitted to perfection, every suit finished with impeccable detail. From fascinators and millinery designs (hats ladies, hats) to hand dyed shoes. This art and creativity is lost, and with it the ability/accessibility for a real black tie event.

Many of us now write "black tie optional" on wedding invitations. Which, when you break it down many guests think it means; wear something better than the dress you wore to work last Thursday. And I'll take a bet that 2 out of 3 people wore a black dress. I see people at weddings who look like they rolled out of bed, or borrowed a dress from their little sister (2 -10 sizes too small). Dress your body ladies! Love who you are, no matter what size!  Cut the tags out if it makes you feel better(I've done it for more clients than you know) wear what fits! Your confidence is what make you beautiful.

Before Matt and I were even engaged, probably before we ever thought about it, I told my mom I would kick anyone who wore black to my wedding "It's not a funeral, it's a celebration". I mentioned that I wanted to put it on the invitation: "Black tie optional. And NO black".    

But she said I couldn't say that. So, now that the day has come and I'm trying to be the most easy going bride, I won't kick you out. But I will promise you I'll be wearing white at your funeral.  Jokes

-Ash

Let the Count Down Begin….

It's here….. The year count down. In 365 days (friday) the Lambert/Stambler festivities will happen! Its only taken us 4 different apartments, a move to NY, a dog, new jobs, vacations, tragedy, successes and laughter to get to where we are today. Wish us luck… this next year will be the biggest one of our lives thus far. 

Although many couples have(and will) plan weddings within a year, I wanted to take it slow, enjoy it, and do one thing at a time. Welp, it certainly doesn't feel that way anymore. 

For all of you brides and now MRS. out there, have you ever felt like you're at a stand still? Knowing you have a mile long list of things to do, but do not know when to start, or what order they should be in? How early is too early? And how late is too late? Well, this is my reality. 

I woke up recently in a frantic sweat. I had a dream that my wedding was a week away and I have nothing picked out. No dress, no flowers, didn't know what matt was going to wear, nor did I have my hair done(yeah dreamt that). This is obviously not reality but it scared me half to death. Thankfully, my bridesmaids reassured me that I was in a good place and that I had more done than the norm (or so they made me believe).

I wanted to take time to plan the weekend of events. My family and I wanted to show all of our guests the amazing area we grew up in, the water, and of course historic Salem! I may seem superficial, and materialistic, but when it comes down to my friends, family and entertaining, I would give the shirt off my back to make them happy. Just like our "engagement" party, it's not just about us. Its about our support system. I want our guests to feel like we made them apart go this wedding and that they know how much we appreciate them. Part of that will be pouring booze down their throats and making them eat massive amounts of food. But hey, we show our love in the kitchen. 

But REALLY, what now? What do i do next? What was the hardest part of planning your wedding and what would you have done differently?

- Ash 

Church, or not to Church?….

While vacationing with my lady friends over the weekend, we got into a conversation about marriage and what it really is. Why do people really get married? Is it Love? Citizenship? Health insurance? Money?

This electric crew differs in almost every way. But, it works. These ladies have been by my side through thick and thin and if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I don't get to see them as often as I'd like, but when I do, I soak up every hysterical moment. Whether they know it or not, our friendship means more than anything. I respect these ladies, and would drop everything for them, even if we haven’t seen each other in months.

While sitting at the table chatting about this topic, I wanted to drink but more importantly, I wanted to hear what each of them truly thought about Marriage. Some believe it's only a piece of paper, a scary childhood memory, and others, true love. Growing up as a fair weather Roman Catholic, we were taught that marriage is a sacrament. A sacred gift you give to god. You marry to have children and live happily ever after. But, we all know that's not how fairy tales go.

If we break down marital statistics, 3 of us will get divorced and .75 of us will never marry.

Although ALL of us are in different stages in our lives, It was scary to think... that is reality.

As we close in on our 365 day countdown, Matt and I continue to struggle with our decision to get married in a church or not. Matt and I differ in many aspects, but not tradition. Matt is not your stereotypical Christian or suit and tie kinda guy. But, he does believe in family. If I let him, he would have a baby yesterday. He has been known to ask friends (or any women for that matter) if he could "use your oven". At least he tells them they have to give the child to me after it's born.

Anyway, the choice--to get married in a church or not? Yes, we did make our confirmations and we do believe in the basic Christian values. But do we really want someone who doesn't know us marrying us? If this day is about sharing your love with people who know you, why does this “random” get the honor of making us official husband and wife? This is one of the most important and special days of our life, why is the one person marrying you the only one who doesn't know you?

Back in the day, church was a social outing. More often than not, the priest who baptized you, married you. Unfortunately, Matt and I do not live this life style. We don't even live in the same state as the church. I struggle with this decision because, what if I regret it? What if I want to be married in the same church as my parents and grandparents? What if I want that attention and that amazing moment of our entire family and friends seeing me in a wedding gown for the first time (yeah, I like a bit of attention... So what, sue me).

I think back to the reason of why we are getting married. Unfortunately, we do not live within church "regulations". We can all be honest here, Matt and I live together and the church doesn’t necessarily condone that.

Last summer Matt and I were honored to go/be a part of one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever been to.  One part of their wedding I will never forget (probably because that’s the only time during the wedding I was sober) was their amazing ceremony! It was one of the most personal, honest, and true speeches I have ever heard. At that instant I thought, this is exactly what I want, someone who could speak to our past, share a story and express true honor and passion within every word. It was about them and their commitment to each other. I left their wedding thinking about their love, their commitment, and their personal touches that made that day one of the most memorable moments of my life. The fact that it was on Nantucket, didn’t hurt either.

 

Although our decision has yet to be made, it makes me think... What do we want? Tradition? Church? Personal? Or none of it at all?

-    Ash

Whats Old is New?…

What is a modern bride? What is so different between our parents/grandparents weddings and weddings today?  Is it that we spend more money? The personal details?  Trendy attire? Pintrest?

While reading through wedding magazines and bridal blogs, all I see is "Today's modern bride", "New wedding rules", “New cakes, fashion, decor and gift ideas.”  It really got me thinking…

Editorials ads, magazines, and wedding planning websites make it easier to collect ideas, search vendors, and create an inspiration board.  But when it comes down to the actual wedding, what makes it new?

A wedding is defined as a marriage ceremony; a ceremony in which two people get married.

When you break it down, after a year plus of planning, decor, makeup, dresses, flowers and spending money, you're "new" wedding is nothing but a wonderful, amazing memory… While pondering how creative and different I would like our wedding to be, I realized, it didn’t matter.

What you really remember, are the people you shared it with. We all have them, the dreaded distant family members, cousins you haven’t seen in years or the people you have never met. Every bride will be faced with this issue. I have a very blunt, but true belief about it (sorry if I offend anyone).

Matt and I are very “real” people. We do not hide behind the “perfect” relationship curtain, or brag to people about how in love we are.  We are getting married for us, to celebrate our love, and our forever future together. Yeah Matt that’s right, FOR-EV-ER (Sandlot voice).   We want to share that day with people who know us, who know what we have been through, and will continue to show support.

As we were making our mile long guest list, I realized our “maybe” list had many people on it who have impacted my life more than others on the “invite” list.

The majority of people on this list are the lovely, beautiful, pants-peeing M.O.M’s Group (Donna’s friends. Here’s your shout out ladies).  Many of these women I have known since I was 6 or 7 years old. They watched me grow up, play soccer, get into trouble, graduate college, move to NY and actually be able to pay all of my bills, alone.  They support my mom, and my mom supports them. This rare crowd (rare, being kind) has been a part of my life more than others I HAVE to invite. Their continuous encouragement, drinking ways are nothing short of LOVE.  I’m forced to invite others who have no idea about my life, my relationship, and who I am instead of these women?

A wedding is a celebration of a couple's commitment to one another. It’s a time for your friends and family to party, bless you're new “life”, share their happiness and support. If you're inviting people who do not know you, why are they there? If you're second guessing if you are one of those people, then….

I get it, and to avoid offending anyone, my entire family will be invited. I just wanted to share the truth, the real, and the honest. Again, this blog is not about all of the happy times, the venue band or all of the crazy things Tiger does. It’s about WHAT REALLY HAPPENS BEFORE I DO, situations I am faced with during this amazing time in my life.

So, back to what makes a modern bride. I really got to thinking, what would make my wedding “new”?  I have the venue, a band and that’s about it. God, that’s scary. What if I don’t want to be new? What if I want my wedding to be traditional?  What can I do to make our guest leave saying, "WOW, that was an amazing time!”?

I Googled “what makes a wedding modern”. An interesting article from brides.com popped up, "75 ways to make your wedding unique" the article was 75 different decorating ideas. These ideas could pertain to any event or party, not just a wedding.

In the fashion world, trends seem to cycle every 20 years. As we saw the duchess, Kate, wore a long sleeve gown. Many people thought how amazing, different, and new. But in all reality Sarah Burton (The creative director for Alexander McQueen) recycled an 80's style. The long sleeves were not "new". I'm sure you all remember the mid 80's wedding dresses. Donna being one of those lucky brides had selves, pickups, satin, and according pleating. God, there was a lot going on. This gown actually had some qualities that I liked. The sleeves, not so much.

I don't know how to answer my own question or if I even believe there is such thing as a “new” wedding. What’s new is old, right? All I can tell you is that our wedding will be a reflection of us, what we believe, and what we want to share with those invited.

Brides to be, or now “MRS.” What do you think makes a wedding "new"?

- Ash

No One Puts Baby In The Corner...

Before I moved to NY, I styled for a New England bridal magazine and before that, a high end Bridal salon on Newbury St. (managing their PR and events). I have always had a love for the crazy "bridal world".  It’s an economy-safe money machine. My Senior thesis at Lasell high, (kidding, Lasell College) was 50 some odd pages of a detailed bridal consignment business (I guess i’ll keep that plan for later in life).

Although I have worked in the industry for over 5 years, I honestly never thought of my own wedding. When asked, I truly didn't have an answer. I want nothing I've ever seen, nothing I've ever done, and NOTHING that was cookie cutter. I have never tried on a bridal gown and I've never put anyone else's ring on (IT'S BAD LUCK).

Now that my time has come, my experience in the bridal industry has been nothing but a problem. Like I've said, I don't like typical, average, or normal. I like creative, unique and clearly expensive.

There are very few things that I want at our wedding. First, the location. I want my guests to have an amazing time, feel comfortable, and be able to enjoy themselves.  I didn't want a venue where we had to have cocktails promptly at 6, dinner at 7:05, speeches at 7:20, cake cutting at 8:00, parents dances at 8:30… you get the idea. Thankfully, my location was a breeze(not like I saw anything else).

Second, a band. Although I may not be good at it, I LOVE to dance. My friends, Matt’s friends, my family. You name it, we all have pep in our step. Well, the more accurate statement would be;

   "Trust me, you can dance!" - vodka

typical move, one
hand up drink
in the other

But in all honesty, the band is the biggest part of this wedding. I didn't want a "wedding band" unless it was the Dan Band (Wedding Crashers, of course) but that wasn't within Tiger’s budget.  I have too much of a shopping problem to afford them so I figured I would look at local bars around Salem. Rockafellas, known for having great Saturday night bands, was a great place to start. It didn't take me long it find one that I actually remembered(trust me, Its a big deal)! This one band had me on my feet all night! She was interactive, expressive and funny. Plus, she can channel my girl Janice(Joplin for those who don't know).

Anyway, I went home for Fourth of July weekend in hopes to see them play again. Due to the weather, both of their performances were re-scheduled. I asked Donna and Tiger to make plans to see them the following weekend. I, of course, had to work.

I do not understand how people can plan a destination wedding! I am under four hours away from home and can't make it to most of the meetings, viewings or events. Thankfully I have my family, who are trying to see my vision and understand what I'm looking for... I hope.

Because this was the biggest decision i’ll make within the wedding planning process (bedside maybe my dress), I knew my dancing, drinking, emotional, partner in crime would be the best person to give me his honest opinion; My Dad.

So there I was at work, on a Sunday night doing a floor set (for all of you who do not work in retail or visual management it's HELL), slaving away,  Tiger is sending me videos of the band.

I’m asking him if he likes them, if he thinks the lead singer is interactive, if he's dancing, etc… I received no answer.

Well, let me back up for a minute. My dad, not the most tech savvy person in the world, recently got an iPhone and has yet to take his eyes off of it. He used to yell at us for texting at the dinner table or for being on that "face group thing”. Well let me tell you, the tables have turned. He's a new man, texting (in abbreviations), emailing, taking pictures and videos. Not only does he have more pictures and videos of my dog than I do, but he shares them with his "friends".  "You want to see an awesome dog, this dog right here"… he goes on and on, then people say “wow your dog is great”, "Oh no that’s my daughters dog, they live in NY"

 

He proudly shows pictures of his family, work he has done and his pride and joy ME(kidding, well kinda. Sarah and Tj have grown to accept their roles)!

He is obviously a huge part of this journey and I want him to be involved wherever he can be.

So, back to the band… He's sending me these blurry videos of songs we like. One of them: a Tom Petty classic. We went to a Tom Petty concert together when I was in high school. Had a great time dancing/ singing only a few rows away from the stage. Not the typical father daughter outing, but it’s what we liked.

I finally get a hold of my mom, who is stuck going on these crazy adventures with him. She thought they were good, but hard to tell because they did not have their entire 8 pieces set at this event. I thought okay, good start lets keep looking.

Then… the text from Tiger….

 

A SELFIE of him and the lead singer. The text read

 "Good-n-You"

Of course, the infamous saying! yeah, he does actually own the Patten on this phrase. And don't forget the first location of the Good-n- You tattoo! (If you know him, I'm sure its not a vision you want to remember)

Seriously, my almost 55 year old father was taking selfies with the band I should be listening to for MY wedding! Honestly, I can't make this up.

I said: “So Dad what do you think?”

He responded; "She's great, we are tight. I have her personal number.  Did you know she played at  _______ wedding last year?"

At that point I put my phone down, finished the floor set, and went home and pored a huge glass of wine. Jealous of my dad enjoying the little aspects of wedding planning I’m missing out on.

Sometimes I really wonder, whose wedding is this?

- Ash